Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You'll be fine tomorrow the sun will shine...

Ugh today has been poop!
I could not sleep at all last night, my knees were like ahh!! I couldn't put them out straight, i couldn't like sleep on my side with them curved they were just so painful and I have absolutely no idea why!!
Then I decided to set things straight with one of the people who owe me money and I sent them a very blunt text saying pay up or this friendships over and we'll legally deal with it, so they've got until Dec. 15th to pay up haha.
I also apologized to Stephen and we're working things out :)

My mom came over and brought me some groceries and job applications haha and visited for about an hour with Chuck now my beds all covered in his fur GRR!
Then I watched some "So you think you can dance" like I always do when I'm bored...which is all day...I'm obsessed I've seen every episode haha
Out of nowhere I developed the WORST headache/migraine in the universe!! I had to turn everything off cause sound and light were killing me and I just hid in the dark and took a like 4 hour nap and had some bizarre dreams and woke up to Steve calling saying that he's going to sleep over tonight until Sunday...WTF?!
That's awesome I haven't gotten a sleep over that long in forever!!!!!!
He said he'd be here at 8pm...I sat here eating soup and watching my lovely dancers waiting and waiting and 8 passed, 9 passed and I was thinking oh no is he really ditching so I called at 10 and he was just packing he apologized and said he'd be over in half an hour :)
Fewph! I would've been sooo sad haha so now I must wait until he calls me to help carry in everything.


time to do a word search to distract myself!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This conversation is over and so are we...

Steve's parents don't want him living with me until they're sure that I'm established and self sufficient,well that's fucking wonderful. Steve on the other hand thinks I am irresponsible and will fuck him over in the middle of an extremely expensive university year. Wow don't I feel trusted, Steve said the reason he's been drifting away is because he knew I wouldn't go with him. Sure he's told me 4 times he wouldn't be living with me the first year, but if figured if he really loved me and saw how much I was trying to change he'd do that one thing for me. Clearly though no one has faith in me and I will always live alone.

Now I'm single just because I don't want to live alone in Nova Scotia,but like Steve said though now I can continue to live alone here! Isn't life awesome?

You know I love you, and wanted to be the one to provide for you like you've done the last 8 months, but you never will gimme a chance. How can I prove to you that I'm responsible if you won't even let me be there for you?

Now we're not talking and all he wants from me is for me to say I don't love him, is he really that fucked up? He's all that I love, I love him so much that I don't want to wait another year. Months ago we were going to move in together we looked at apartments and it was great, but then he decided he'd rather go back to school so we can have a good future, what doesn't he get?

Why should I change if you don't even have faith in me? Everything I've been doing was for our future, but you keep putting it on hold, well now we don't have a future.

Why Do I Always Have To Wait?

My relationship...
I see Stephen every Friday from 11:30am after school until sometime Saturday afternoon,sometimes if I'm lucky I get him until Sunday, but then he has to leave right when he gets up. I absolutely hate it. If I'm extra lucky he comes over some days for lunch but that's like a 45 minute visit for lunch or sex.

He called after school and automatically assumed I was mad by the tone of my voice and said I was giving him attitude. I eventually freaked out on him for forgetting to say Happy Anniversary and he told me he was going to on the last phone call but I let him go too fast and never called him back. So was it that hard in the 24 hours of that day to just text me and say it, or to call even though I didn't want to talk and be like "oh btw happy anniversary baby". Yes I get it you're busy with school stuff and you're family but it's not fucking hard to say it and get back to your life.Now you've hurt your girls feelings! Isn't that great!

Once he's done with school in June he plans to move to Nova Scotia and go to Dalhousie University, which is cool, he's doing something with his life. It's always been a plan that I go with him and we live happily ever after... We get a cute apartment live close to the university I get a cozy day job I love, come home make him dinner, ask how his day was, and then go about our day until bedtime and then YAY CUDDLE TIME!!! I love having him here at bedtime because I hate hate hate sleeping alone, and I can actually sleep when he's here.
In our past few talks about the move though he's told me his parents are making him live on campus for his first year! Therefore I get to live alone for another year! I've explained to him so many times that I would let him stay with me and he wouldn't have to pay, I'd work extra hard to make more money for us, but no his parents will only pay for rez, no staying with sara, fuck sara and her happiness.
Does this mean once again I only get him once a week?
What does it mean? I'm moving all the way to the East Coast to live by myself and see him when, when he's not busy?
What's the point in me going?
If I don't go with him we're over though, and with all the work I'm trying to do to keep us together that's just a dumb idea.
I don't want to go and live alone for the first year, I'd know nobody and be in a new province and that's going to be so scary.
He's got about 6 years of school left I think, I know I'm being a cry baby bitching, but I'm just so sick of waiting.

First Blog!

For the last few months my life has been a downward spiral and my boyfriend recommended writing in a journal I don't know what he thinks it will accomplish but I'm game for anything. I suppose I will "blog" about what's on my mind, what's pissing me off- stuff that I usually just keep bottled up and eventually freak out about and stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum, and current issues that I'm facing...which there are a lot of!

Now where to begin, yesterday was Steve and my 8 month anniversary I stayed up until 9am waiting for him to say "Happy Anniversary" then I went to sleep hoping he would show up after school and spend some time with me, it didn't happen he didn't call me until 8pm and he didn't mention a word about it, it was a five minute call about his day I was heartbroken haha. I waited and waited all night hoping he'd surprise me and show up or fucking just say it!! Neither happened and I ended up very bitter and didn't want to talk to him when he called me back at the end of the night. Yeah that's right I was playing Tetris cause I was mad at you, I play Tetris when I'm mad at you and every time you call or text me and kill me it makes me more made, the higher in levels and lines I get the less I forget that I'm mad so ahhh!! I was told to find a way to deal with my anger and Tetris is what I use.
My relationship with Steve isn't what it used to be, I've changed for the worse and he wants me to fix myself or we're over, I just need to find myself before it's too late I guess.

I haven't worked since the end of May really I've worked maybe ten days in total at a few jobs, I've applied EVERYWHERE but nowhere wants me Steve even made me a kick ass new resume but no luck yet really. I've spent all but 700$ in my 25,000$ trust fund in exactly a year and that 700$ will be used at the end of the month to pay my rent. I've been fucking myself over borrowing people money and waiting years to get it back, I'd have 1750$ if people started paying me back instead of buying new cars, rock stars, smokes, junk they don't need or whatever the fuck they've been spending my money on. Sooner or later I'm going to explode and demand my money all of it at once or it'll be "hello small claims court hello money goodbye fucking moochers"
Another thing that pisses me off is businesses that don't pay you for the work you do, I have 3 businesses that owe me for simply one days worth of work and none of them have sent me my pay check or returned my phone calls in months! You're supposed to pay out final pay within 10 days of the last shift! Man to the labor board it is I guess. If anyone knows somewhere hiring lemme know!!

Alright so I've ranted about my love life or lack there of and my joblessness, what else pisses me off?

Ugh, my friends, my very few friends they drive me insane some days I just don't get them and I'm sure they don't get me either. I've actually cut off contact with most people I used to associate with because something about them either brought me down, or I just didn't want their drama/weirdness/ugh in my life. Friends are supposed to make you feel wanted, alive, comfortable, not used, disgusted, and unwanted.
Out of all my friends in my 22 years I think only one friend has always been there for me in one way or another, and that would be Nina sure we don't talk or see each other everyday but I know if I'm having a party, a bad day, a good day or just whatever she'll be there no matter what and she spoils me :)
I hate those "friends" that don't talk to you for months, years, forever and randomly just text you or call you asking to hang but only with a hidden agenda or cause they've got nothing better to do cause their bf moved away or their gf dumped them cause they cheated on her.
OK like really this past weekend EX BF #3 texts me outta nowhere after 2 years of not talking to me once and tries to make small talk and Steve and me are like wtf? In the texts he's all talking about being so miserable and wanting me to kill him and what not and finally I asked why trying to be polite and found out he cheated on his gf. I tried to be nice for a moment and then I exploded, I asked why he would ask his ex gf to kill him for cheating on his current girl, why in the hell would i help him end his suffering? Who was there to help me kill him when he broke my heart? If I were going to kill him for any reason it would be because he hurt me not to help him out when he fucked himself over. Like fuck if you want your gf back don't sit around moping texting your ex gfs! So he threw his little "I just wanted to talk to someone but fuck everyone I'm not gonna talk to anyone again fit" and I simply said "I went the past two years without talking to you so nothing really has changed" and that was that he just made me hate him more than I did 2 years ago, he's pathetic so pathetic and now I have the best bf :P SUCKER!
All my friends need to either drink or get high to have a good time and lately it's just been super annoying because they drink WAY TOO MUCH!! I like staying in and drinking with Steve or having people come over and they can crash in the living room if they get too wasted. It seriously annoys me so much cause they just act so dumb and make scenes or do things I know they'll later regret and guess what! This weekend, don't you regret it? Humiliate yourself much? Flirt with everyone much? And the drugs. Stop it! Now! Fucking think of what happened to Andi next time you decide it'll be fun to pop some pills to get a rush or whatever happens when you act like a moron!


I am not a pushover. I'm not your baby-sitter. I'm not your last resort, we're not tight awesome friends, and I don't want to hear about how you're sleeping with so and so and so and so while sleeping with so and so. It's pathetic and I don't want to know.

Ugh I pierced my ears tonight. Why? Why did I do this to myself haha oh my poor ears!

Well it's 4am I think I've said enough for now.

Feel Better Treasure!!